he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
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