Plan B is the new Plan A
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
