i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
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