Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
