i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
