Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
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