Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
