I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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