I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
