I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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