i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize
