I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
We named our party play list daddy issues
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
