Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
