You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Randomize
