I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Randomize
