So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
