Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
