I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
