I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
