I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
You pole danced in your parka.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
