woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
