Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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