i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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