I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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