If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
