The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize
