I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
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