I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
