20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Randomize
