Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
I booty called her while she was in labor.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I deserve this hangover.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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