im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
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