Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
