Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
