My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
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