My room smells like vodka and shame
someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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