You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
