if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
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