I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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