ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Randomize
