Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
