she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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