Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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