I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Randomize
