it wasn't lemon gatorade
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
