you're like a bully in the Christmas story
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
