I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
