I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
