im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
