I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Randomize
