Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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